Ten things we will never understand about Bali

Mad monkeys

Never mind the generally nonthreatening street dogs, and beware the monkeys in Bali. Considering they’re so well-fed, it’s a mystery why they’re so aggressive. Sure, they look cute, but they’re unrepentant thieves and sometimes outright malicious. The minute you’re distracted, they’ll have plundered your bag for food, chucked your sunglasses off a cliff, or hung your camera from a tree branch. They aren’t monkeys, they’re nasty gremlins in disguise. Guard yourself and your belongings.

Lack of public transport

Bali traffic is often gridlocked: it might take three hours to travel 40 kilometres from Nusa Dua and Ubud on a bad day. Yet Bali (unlike Java) has no train lines, and the public bus system is woeful. Your only option is a taxi or motorbike, which really doesn’t help. And given how many Balinese in the south work in the 24-hour hotel industry, traffic jams seem to erupt at any time of the day or night.

Wellness retreats

Sorry, don’t get it. You want to charge me big bucks to lie in a flowery bath, get slathered in yoghurt, or have cucumber squashed on my face? I can do that for free at home. What’s with the “massages” that are just gentle rubs with no chance of muscle relief? And what’s all this nonsense about the “traditional” Balinese boreh or Javanese lulur? If the ancient Balinese paid $300 for air-conditioned pampering, then I’m a monkey’s uncle.

All the niceness

I’m sure some Balinese must be annoying, uncouth and inappropriate, but I’ve never met any. They’re all quiet, respectful and considerate, and it’s all the more remarkable considering how many foreign visitors are just the opposite. How do the Balinese maintain their calm in the face of tourist disrespect? Well, perhaps increasingly they don’t: Bali’s governor recently declared war on public drunkenness, offensive language, aggression and bad behaviour. About time, too.

Awful tourists

What’s even harder to take is that some tourists in this friendly and religiously minded destination just don’t seem to respect local behavioural norms. What compels Instagrammers to climb sacred trees, pose semi-naked in temples, or drive a motorbike off a pier into the ocean in a social-media stunt? It’s disgraceful. And yet, should locals be encouraged to call into a newly established hotline to complain about foreigners, or is that simply policing by public opinion?

Financial fees

Most ATMs in Bali charge anything up to $10 for cash withdrawals but, as long as you withdraw a decent amount, that’s a better deal than paying with credit cards. Credit-card transactions attract a hefty 3 per cent fee charged by the local establishment – plus the regular currency conversion fee charged by your bank. You probably won’t know about it until the transaction has gone through. When it’s that much, why isn’t it included in the upfront price?

Strong traditions

Bali has been an international tourist destination for a century, has undergone a transformation from rural to connected contemporary society, and is a Hindu island embedded in a Muslim archipelago. And yet despite all that, it somehow manages to retain its distinctive culture, religion, and traditions from gamelan music to wood carving. It’s no better symbolised than by the woven baskets of flowers and other offerings to the gods still left everywhere, even at the thresholds of hotels and banks. Lovely.